So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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