bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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