I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize