I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
