you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
