It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
