i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
