Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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