if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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