She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
