If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
