i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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