he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize