Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
