Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
