I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
