I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Randomize
