I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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