last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
