You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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