don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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