my soul wont recognize me after tonight
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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