Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
