he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
