those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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