Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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