you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
