I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
