Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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