Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I wish you could order shots online.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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