There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
