I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
