Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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