i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
