I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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