oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
