question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
