I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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