i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
