oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
