ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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