I faked an abortion last night.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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