I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
