I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
