I look better un-naked...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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