the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
