I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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