My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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