When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
