You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
