it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
