just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
