I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Jerry, you need to find god
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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