Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
