Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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