I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
